I had been eagerly awaiting the day for months and months. Seriously.
When I turned 28, I could feel it. This heavy sensation in my body…like the universe was saying, “I’m sorry but this year isn’t going to be all that easy”. Did I draw that to myself? I mean, I’m usually a person that believes in that sort of thing, but I also believe that there are things that you don’t draw to yourself that you are meant to work through. Things can’t always be easy.
Anyway, 28 was in fact challenging. Of course there were moments of fun, but there were a lot of things that just weren’t fun. A lot of lessons that I didn’t want to learn. A lot of moments of reflecting on things that I didn’t really want to reflect on.
I don’t know if it was moving away (from home) that was the catalyst for all for all of this, if I needed to move for it to onset, or if it was just time and the move just made it harder. Harder, but necessary…I have to say.
If I had been back in Minnesota I probably would have found a way to run from all of this growth rather than having to face it. I would have found a friend, a family member, a bar, a workout, a drunken night, a cigarette, something…that would have let me weasel my way out of it.
…but being out here with no one to lean on but my boyfriend…and don’t let this get you thinking he wasn’t there, because he was. That’s not the point though, you can’t lean entirely on one person without feeling guilty or somehow pushing them away. So with that in mind, you try to deal with as much of that as you can, on your own.
And it was everything. Ultimately, it was a lot of pride and letting go of control…but it didn’t feel like that at first. It was a true ‘fish out of water’ experience. I was in a place before that I knew…with people I knew, places I knew, things I could recommend. Now? Now I was in a place where I didn’t know what existed down the fucking road…with 3.2 fucking beer and not a single friend to sit with and listen to me talk about ‘poor me’. It’s funny, writing about this now I really have no attachment to it…I don’t feel the same sadness or frustration that I did then…now, I almost think it’s funny. Not laughable, like it was a joke or silly or pathetic…but funny because in those moments, you know. You know you are supposed to be learning something but you choose [yes, you CHOOSE] to fight it.
Grow? Why? I don’t wanna. I like who I am with my shitting poor me attitude – so why should I change?
You should because you must. Because otherwise you stay. In the same place you always were, doing the same thing you always did, thinking the same thoughts you always thought…and nothing happens. And you wonder why you’re still sitting all day long staring at a computer…in a job that you don’t really love, because you’re making decent money. And maybe, you like that. But I really truly don’t get it.
I’m rambling now, I know. But you get it, don’t you?